Tuesday, September 28, 2010

In the stillness You are there...

Be still my beating heart...

I feel as if I am starting to sound like a broken record...
And if that be the case, feel free to click the box in your upper right hand corner and exit.

Its hard to explain where I am... mentally, emotionally, spiritually...
I feel as if I have it all under contol most days...
But, there are plenty of days when I just feel lost.

Spiritually, I am in a much better place than I have been in a long time. My biggest struggles and downfalls don't seem to be an issue...

But I guess I feel as if that brings on a whole new set of issues in itself.
This place I am in, I know its temporary.
I know that I am not supposed to be here forever.

However, that feeling of knowing, has left me in such a place of expectancy.
Which expectancy isn't necessarily bad, it just seems that rather than patience,
my emotions take over and want to rush into any opportunity presented.

Its one thing to tell your mind to calm down, but how do you tell your heart?

I get excited, or stressed, or I start to contemplate the what ifs and possibilities, and I feel as if my heart is literally beating out of my chest.

And its a good feeling to be honest.
I haven't felt so free and well excited about possibilities in a long time.
But in the same breath, I know that I have to guard my heart.

I've been hurt, and honestly... it has sucked.

Because its soooo easy to get caught up in a dream, that you never stop to think about how to get there, or worse, if the dream doesn't work out the way you had hoped...

I am a girl.. its just the way my mind works. You give me the slightest hope, and I already have it all planned.
This hasn't always worked too well.. actually so far it hasn't worked out at all.

This morning on the way to work, i was just reminded to "Be Still and Know that I am God"
wow... sooooo the words I needed to hear.

Because its days like today when I am ready to dive into my heart's desires with out a second thought.. I feel God telling my its not the time to dive.

There are times for action and there are times to be still.

Today is a still today... and I have a pretty good feeling that I have quite a few be still days ahead of me.

But I know that in the stillness, God is preparing my heart, and preparing the dreams that are waiting for me.

So rather than get my hopes up and then crushed, its time to let go and let God. Do my part, and let Him take care of the rest.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Pick your Poison

“Oh, what a bitter thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes.”

Bitterness is not a fun thing to be struggling with.

The worst part of it is, its stupid, and I know its stupid, yet I can't seem to shake it.

You know what they say, misery loves company... so therefore the bitter refuse to be happy for anyone who has anything worth being happy about?

Why? Because the bitter cannot simply feel joy or be happy for someone else's happiness.

No, the bitter analyze and question and contemplate.

Why them? Why not me? I am a better person than they are. Why are they so special? It'll never last. Its not fair!

And on and on continues the arrogant tirade of the bitter.

I hate it, because I feel like I am in this position of bitterness, and its been really hard for me to let go of it.

And honestly, it seems like every time I feel less bitter, someone else comes along with more "good" news that sends me spiraling back into my web of bitterness.

Its not that I don't want other people to be happy.

I just honestly do question. When good things happen to not so good people, I wonder what I've done so bad that good things aren't happening to me.

I wonder what I have to do in order to be the one receiving all these happy blessings.

And I know this isn't how God works. I am not getting less blessed because of my status of being a good person or not a good person. In the same manner, someone else's blessing could have absolutely no relation to their character and morals.

It still doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I try my hardest to be who God wants me to be.

I am FAR from perfect, and I mess up consistently.

And those are the things that cause me to think that I am just not good enough...

Putting all these fear and insecurities aside for a moment, I have to realize that I am blessed. That good, even great things happen to me on a daily basis.

Just because I'm not getting blessed in the way I seem to think I should be, doesn't mean I am any less blessed.

And I know, I have to stop having bitterness towards people, just because they are happy.

Its not their fault, and in my heart of hearts would I rather them be miserable?

Its all gonna work out, I constantly have to remind myself of this. Because there are many days when all my dreams seem just out of reach.

So lets all pursue our dreams together. Lets put aside any jealousy or bitterness because someone else may have gotten what you wanted, or they were able to arrive there faster.

Its not about winning.

Because bitterness is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.

Like I said, I know its stupid... But I am not perfect, and this is one things I am still learning to just let go.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Oh, the places you'll go...

Its becoming more and more clear that its not about what direction I am heading. The most important thing is that I am going, wherever that may be.

Will I fail or take a wrong turn? Probably, but who hasn't?

I think most of us have experienced a time in our lives of stagnation. Where apathy has taken over, and movement becomes vital to survival.

Sure, staying where you are can be quite comforting. You don't have to deal with the fear of going it alone.

But how will you ever know what you are capable of if you never venture out?

Sometimes we have to stand on our own, to prove that we can still stand.

And sometimes, we have to embark on a journey. No road maps, no companions, and no certain direction.

Because you see, its not about what you want or what you think is best.

Because I have done my fair share of doing what I wanted, and let me save you the trouble. It doesn't turn out very well.

So whatever your direction may be, stop looking at it like its a life sentence, and start imagining all of the amazing adventures you will find.

No one experiences a full life while standing still.

And no one can completely move on until they let go.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.

So go ahead, take you first step... it might be hard a first, but I promise, its going to be amazing.

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Its been a while...

Lately I have felt kinda like the creative switch has been turned off, and I haven't quite been able to locate it.

For a writer, this is extremely frustrating!

For one, writing is how I deal, its how I figure out my life, its how I make decisions, and even how I realize how stupid I am for acting or feeling the way I do...

I haven't only been neglecting my blog, but also my personal journal

Yes I have a journal, but its not like "Dear Diary, John smiled at me today, sigh.."

Its more about things I learn about myself, things I learn about God or things he reveals to me, things I learn through other people, inspirations... mostly stuff a little too intimate or private to be posting on the world wide web...

I kinda feel as if not only my creativity has been shut off but also my access to God...

Not that I believe that God isn't listening, he just seems pretty far away...

I even cried my eyes out a few weeks ago at church... and I am not a big crier...

Its hard for me when I don't feel God and I don't feel that creativity the He inspires..

If you want creativity, spend time with the creator

And honestly I have been trying so hard to have that quality time with just me and God.

However, despite my current attempts, it seems I have a bad connection.

Now, I am not one to start casting blame when things like this happens, even though I am most likely partly to blame...

But I truly believe that sometimes we go through these "valleys" or dark spots to test our faithfulness and our character.

I think God wants to know how we will react when its not as easy to sense him.

Will we push forward and courageously fight until we find our way back, or will we surrender and retreat?

Life is easy when God is right there, and we feel and hear him every step of the way.

But what about when he is whispering, or even still when he is silent...

God has big plans for me, and I know that these things that I am dealing with are just bumps that are going to grow me into the person He desires for me to be.

So I know its been a while, but its time to push past my insecurities and find that creativity I have been lacking.

Because the truth is, it isn't just gonna fall in your lap.

You gotta work hard and persevere to continuously change and grow.

So stop waiting for it feel right or better or like it used to. Start right now, whatever is you've been putting off for a time when you feel more up to it.

Because right now, its not about how you feel. Its about how you react to how you feel.

The decisions that we make in these dark time, are the ones that could possibly change the course of our lives.

Cause I've gone long enough waiting for wonderful...

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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