Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Pick your Poison

“Oh, what a bitter thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes.”

Bitterness is not a fun thing to be struggling with.

The worst part of it is, its stupid, and I know its stupid, yet I can't seem to shake it.

You know what they say, misery loves company... so therefore the bitter refuse to be happy for anyone who has anything worth being happy about?

Why? Because the bitter cannot simply feel joy or be happy for someone else's happiness.

No, the bitter analyze and question and contemplate.

Why them? Why not me? I am a better person than they are. Why are they so special? It'll never last. Its not fair!

And on and on continues the arrogant tirade of the bitter.

I hate it, because I feel like I am in this position of bitterness, and its been really hard for me to let go of it.

And honestly, it seems like every time I feel less bitter, someone else comes along with more "good" news that sends me spiraling back into my web of bitterness.

Its not that I don't want other people to be happy.

I just honestly do question. When good things happen to not so good people, I wonder what I've done so bad that good things aren't happening to me.

I wonder what I have to do in order to be the one receiving all these happy blessings.

And I know this isn't how God works. I am not getting less blessed because of my status of being a good person or not a good person. In the same manner, someone else's blessing could have absolutely no relation to their character and morals.

It still doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I try my hardest to be who God wants me to be.

I am FAR from perfect, and I mess up consistently.

And those are the things that cause me to think that I am just not good enough...

Putting all these fear and insecurities aside for a moment, I have to realize that I am blessed. That good, even great things happen to me on a daily basis.

Just because I'm not getting blessed in the way I seem to think I should be, doesn't mean I am any less blessed.

And I know, I have to stop having bitterness towards people, just because they are happy.

Its not their fault, and in my heart of hearts would I rather them be miserable?

Its all gonna work out, I constantly have to remind myself of this. Because there are many days when all my dreams seem just out of reach.

So lets all pursue our dreams together. Lets put aside any jealousy or bitterness because someone else may have gotten what you wanted, or they were able to arrive there faster.

Its not about winning.

Because bitterness is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.

Like I said, I know its stupid... But I am not perfect, and this is one things I am still learning to just let go.

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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