Friday, October 29, 2010

Even if

I will remain confident in this I will see the goodness of the Lord...

I had an amazing conversation with an amazing girl... who just so happens to live entirely too far away.

This conversation which outlined each others hopes and fear and dreams and shortcomings... my friend reminded of some pretty important things.

Because you see, I am in a place right now where I want things, things for myself, things for my life, things for others... and some of these things I want more than just about anything. My friend seems to be in the same boat...

However, she began talking to me about how she wanted to be so lost in Jesus, that even if things didn't turn out the way she hoped, it was OK, because her confidence was in the Lord.

While I saw this statement as extremely mature and profound, it was hard to warp my mind around it.

I don't see myself as a selfish person, and not that I think I deserve anything, but I don't want to let go of the things I want..

And honestly I have been driving myself absolutely insane over the possibilities and what ifs...

I don't want these decisions and this next period of my life to make or break me.

I want to to be so confident in Christ and so content that it doesn't matter if I get the things I want... now or ever...

"Whether he does, or whether He doesn't He is still God"

God is God regardless of any good or bad thing that happens in my life.

Its like in the Bible when the three men were thrown into the fire... they had total and complete confidence that God was going to save them. But the most powerful part of this whole scripture is the part where it says "even if He doesn't.."

They had so much faith that even if God didn't save them from a slow and painful death, they were willing..

Because the truth is, even if I never received another blessing another good thing and even if my whole world came crashing down, God has already done more than enough.

"I don't need nothing to love you stronger I don't need nothing to love you more.."

I am struggling, because its hard for me to see past the now. Its hard for me to be confident at the moment. But this is what I am working towards.

I have to stop driving myself crazy with all the analyzing and questions, and realize God knows what is best for me...

I feel like a lot of times I look utterly ridiculous to God. I feel like the kid throwing a fit in the middle of Wal-Mart while everyone is wishing someone would straighten me out... I feel like God just laughs at me...

Because while I'm throwing a fit over what I want, God is trying to help me to realize just what He has for me. And I know its going to be better than anything I can think up on my own...

Because faith isn't faith until its all your holding on to...

"Even if the stars fell like rain
Even if tomorrow never came
Even if the world I know should crumble
Nothing's gonna stand in my way
Even if the sun left the sky
And even if these tears never dry
Even if the mountains fall and tumble
If what's left of me is taken I will not be shaken"

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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