Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Contemplation

September 2nd, 2009

If you know me well, you know I'm a dreamer, a bit of a deep thinker if you will.


This may or may not translate through my words, or my appearance, but I tend to spend a lot of time in contemplation. Tonight, while I was supposed to be doing my homework, I began to think about my life.

The good things and the bad.

Where I am, where I am headed.

The things I wouldn't change for the world and the things that I pray to God will change soon.

To some this may sound odd, but this is where I find my head lately. And before long, the questions begin to stir around.

The what ifs? the what would'ves? and the how could yous?

All start into a spiral of wondering.

Did I make the right decisions? Am I a good enough? Can you forgive yourself? Can you move on? What is next? Why are you upset? Why them and not me? What is wrong?

are you happy?

Thats the big one, because to be completely honest, I feel a bit selfish for ever even asking myself that question. I have so many blessings and wonderful things in my life, that I would be crazy to not be happy.

But yet I find myself in this state of confusion. Its my curse of over-analyzing, a trait I received from my mother I am pretty certain.

Its more than just simple superficial things I wish that I could chage, because Lord knows there are a bunch of those.

I feel as if the answers to my questions, the end to my wondering are all wrapped up in one big life-changing decision. Like in one instant all my worries and fears can be fixed...

when in reality, it will probably take a million different small moments... I am not good at waiting.

Patience is something I don't pray for, because I really don't want the tests and trials that come along with it.

The future scares the heck out of me.

Because sometimes I just want to know that i've made the right decisions, that my life is making a difference, that there is something more to come.

And i know with all my heart that God's hands are holding tight to my future, so its silly for me to ever worry... but I worry still.

A couple of weeks ago I was kinda depressed about some situations, and I was talking to my mom. I was trying to understand why people act or do what they do. My mom, who I honestly believe is the smartest woman alive, told me to focus on myself. Make sure that my life is in line, and that I am doing the things that God wants me to do.

It sounds simple, but oh so hard sometimes.

I want so much more that just ok.

I want passion and change and love and hope and courage and something wonderful.

So here is my declartion that I am tired of simplicity and average and normal.

I want extaordinary and indescribable.

My life WILL make a difference. My words will change lives. My heart will be open to love. And my feet willing to go wherever the Lord leads.

So, as far as the past goes, the questions the wondering, I can't change it. I have to believe in the decisions that I have made, and trust that I am still on the path that God created for me.

The future is coming whether we like it or not. So I guess its time to stop fearing. Start living for now. Take life by the horns. Fight with your whole heart, and never give up. Its going to be amazing...


"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive"

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.

 


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