Monday, December 13, 2010

Frozen

"I don't have anything to write about anymore. My words have become boring and too plain for stories.."
-Parachute Musical

This is my fear. 

That one day all these words inside my head will simply dry up. 
No longer flow. Refuse to come out. Cease to exist...

That the words that I say or write will no longer inspire or encourage but simply be flat, boring, meaningless...

Not just to everyone else, but also to myself.

Because in all honesty, while I LOVE writing to ignite a spark in someone else... sometimes I write just for me. 

It scares me to think that one day I could sit down to write, only to have nothing of value to say. 

One of my dreams is to write a book... or books...

But sometimes I struggle to finish a few lines in a blog.

Sometimes I can't find the words to comfort a friend.

A lot of times, it comes out all wrong, or worse not at all.

I am afraid that I will sit down to begin something great, only to be unable to finish. 

My fear is that even if I do finish, this thing that I have built up in my mind to be great, turns out to be not so great...

My fear is that I will write something so completely honest and vulnerable only to have that sincerity scoffed at.

I heard a quote once that said "How vain is it to sit down to write, when you have not stood up to live."

Have I lived enough to write something of any worth? Or will my attempts be viewed as naive?

These are the thoughts that occupy my mind every time I start to write, and most times, I turn off my computer and walk away. 

I feel as if this fear keeps me frozen, unable to make any moves towards my dreams.


The only thing that keeps me going; that keeps me believing in myself is YOU. 

Its the amazing people that I am lucky enough to call my family and friends.

Its those of you who care enough to read EVERY blog I post, even when I post every single day. 

Its those of you who don't just read what I write, but text/comment to let me know that I have in some way encouraged you. 


Its those of you who promote the words that I say be encouraging someone else to read it. 

So basically what I am saying, is that I am nothing without you.

That words are simply words until someone can read it and take it to heart. 

That this blog that I write is meaningless unless someone somewhere is motivated to hope, love, change, try again, start over, jump, take a chance, forgive, be better...

So here I am, telling you that I am scared to death.

That pursuing this dream is one of the most challenging beginnings I have ever had to face.

But I am going to do it.

Not just for myself, but for you...

Because if I can't see past my fears and have courage, then I have no business telling you to.

So lets do it together. Whatever your dream may be.

Lets start today, even if its a small step...

Like telling someone your dream for the first time, or announcing to your entire world through a blog that you aren't going to let your fears hold you back.

Right now is all we have, and in the famous words of Emily Dickinson, Forever is composed of nows. 


If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta stat sometime I say now

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.

 


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