Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Far Far Away

Once upon a time, in a land far far away...

Well, this isn't really a fairy tale, and its not so much about once upon a time as it is the land far far away.

Ever felt far away?

Just in general, from people, from God?

It seems that is the position that I am currently in.

And I know that I isolate myself when it comes to people.

"We hide so we can be found,
we walk away to see who will follow,
we cry to see who will wipe away our tears,
and we let our hearts get broken
to see who will come and fix them,
we stay silent to see who cares what we have to say"

I know that probably sounds dumb, but its just how I deal. I typically don't cling to many people.

I guess when I am dealing I more wait for people to reach out to me, rather than the other way around.

Don't worry too much, I definitely have my people that I go through this crazy time in my life, but I guess what I am saying is don't be too offended if we have fallen a bit out of touch. I don't blame you.

I think the part that I am most worried about, is feeling far away from God.

I know that God is ALWAYS there for me.

I know there is nothing I can do to separate myself from the love of God, because He is always right there.

I know that forgiveness for sin isn't earned, that I receive it when I simply ask.

But this distance I feel is more initiated by me.

Not that I desire to be away from God, but I guess for the first time in my life, I feel so ridiculously undeserving.

I feel like I don't deserve to raise my hands in worship, that I am not worthy enough to even speak his name, let alone speak to him.

Again, I know that this rationality is crazy.

Because in reality, we are all unworthy. Every single one of us.

We are all sinners, and we all fall short from time to time.

Sin separates us from God, not that God separates ourselves from him.

Rather, at some point we allow this gap to form between us... by choosing sin over the path he has chosen for us.

I'm certainly not writing this because I need answers or advice... I know that I need to continue and persevering and working on my relationship with him.

I am writing this, because I feel like at one point or another, we all feel far far away.

We all mess and up, and realize that we are completely undeserving.

But he loved us anyway.

So, continue to push forward.

Never give up.

Because you will never be worthy in yourself.

But its his love for us that makes us new, and makes us worthy.

Without it, we are nothing.

"I'd give it all, I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you knowYou know, You know
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go"

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My side of the story...

"If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall." 1 Corinthians 10:12

By the time I post this blog, I assume most people will have heard about my recent news.

I thought for a while about how I wanted to tell the world what I thought or how I felt... and what better way than through my blog.

So the following is unrated, unhindered, and uncensored.

This is the truth, take it or leave it.

The truth is, I know I messed up. I know that there are things in life you can't take back, and consequences for those actions.

The truth is, I don't blame you if you are hurt or disappointed, because I've been on your side of things.... and I understand how it can rock your world when a leader... a friend falls.

The truth is, I know that this affects so many people around me, and one of my biggest regrets is not taking that into account and thereby hurting and disappointing people I love.

The truth is, I understand that its going to be hard and that my whole life is going to change, but honestly all the warnings are getting a little old. I get it, so you don't have to keep reminding me.

The truth is, I am so thankful for all of you who continue to remind us that you are there for us, and that you are praying for us.

The truth is, there are a handful of people that have taken the time to look past their own disappointments and have chosen to be not only supportive but excited. You have no idea how much that means.

The truth is, I know there are going to be people who choose to not support us. So go ahead, grab your torches and pitchforks, ridicule me, call me names, talk behind my back... but please, learn from my mistakes.

The truth is, I know that this situation isn't ideal, and most certainly not what we had planned, but I am continuously reminded that God causes all things to work together for the good for those who love him... so I have to keep believing that this is all going to turn into something far better than we can plan on our own.

The truth is, I don't want you to feel sad or bad for me. Please keep your sympathy for someone who needs it. Prayers and support are most certainly appreciated, but I am not sad.... so why should you be?

The truth is, I am OK. Somedays I have my minor break downs, but I have complete confidence that we are going to not only survive, but we will come out on the otherside victorious.

The truth is, having a boyfriend who takes the heat for me, takes care of me, and looks out for me has made all the difference in the world and I don't think I could do this without him.

The truth is, there are things and people and circumstances that make me feel as if I am not allowed to be excited or happy. This is a first you only get once, and I refuse to look back and not be joyful. Please don't try and take that from me.

The truth is, I KNOW that we were wrong, but we aren't in high school. I am almost finished with college, and he is halfway through... our lives are most certainly not over.. we are adults, we can handle this.

The truth is, it stresses me out to hear everyone tell me their opinion of what we should, shouldn't, can or can't do. I appreciate advice and tips, and I am definitely taking notes. However, at the end of the day, we are going to do what we feel is best for us.

The truth is, we can't take any of it back. So why not be happy?

So what is the lesson? The moral of the story?

I guess I have learned a lot about being judgemental, a lot about learning not to judge someone based on their decisions or mistakes. We don't know why people do what they do, and it isn't our job to judge or condemn, but rather to love, forgive, and understand.

I've learned that people are far from perfect. Everyone has their struggles. I've started to think that the church as whole would be a much better place if we didn't try to hide our imperfections, but rather if we were able to be more open an honest maybe we would get the opportunity to reach out to more people. Its amazing to me how many people have shared with me their personal struggles lately, and I wonder how my life would be different if all this honesty had come a bit sooner... if I had the ability to be honest sooner.

I have learned a lot about friendship, about the kind of people that I want in my life and the kind I don't.

I have learned about myself. I've learned about stepping up, about doing the things you have to do.. about growing up.

I have learned that happiness doesn't come from everything going as planned, but from the decision to be happy and from the people you surround yourself with.

And I have learned that there is a lot left I have to learn... cause Lord knows I definitely don't know it all.
I have learned about love.

I have learned about forgiveness.

I have learned about hope.

There it is. How I feel, what I know, and what I have learned. My hope is that people will read this and take the time to have a different perspective from their own. To stop judging others and start loving, and to learn from others mistakes.

This is my side of the story...

"If we judge people, we have not time to love them" Mother Teresa

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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