Monday, October 21, 2013


I wanna make you feel wanted- Hunter Hayes

Can I just tell you how much I love being a mom? Like I really think I have the best and most intelligent and most beautiful almost 19 month old in the entire world. And I love being her mom. I love her laugh and the way she screams "I LOVE YOU". I love the way she smells after bath time. I love holding her in my arms. I love her mean face and her kisses. I love her crazy personality. 

Know what else I love? How much my little girl teaches me about the depth and height of God's love for us. 

Friday evening it was just Olivia and I home at bed time, and we have a pretty good routine. Olivia and I fall asleep in the bed watching Barney, and Jacob moves her to the crib when he gets home. Seriously, thank God for Netflix, cause we watch Barney every single night.

But Friday night, I sat her in my bed, turned on Barney, and decided that there were a few things I needed to do, so I left her in the bed while I went to do some cleaning up. 

It wasn't 5 min, and this happened....

It didn't matter that Barney was on (and she loves Barney). She wanted to be close to me. She would rather lay on the concrete floor near me, than in the comfy bed watching Barney. 

Of course I thought this was the most precious thing I had ever seen and immediately dropped what I was doing to go cuddle and watch Barney with my little girl. 

She wanted me to be close to her. She didn't want me to be out of sight. She wanted to feel me next to her. She wanted me. 

I truly believe that being wanted is one of the most powerful things in the world... because I believe our Savior also desires to be wanted. 

Why else would he have created free will? It would have been easy for him to force us to be with him, but that isn't real. He gave us the choice, because he wants us to make the decision to want him, even though he knew many would reject him. 

God desires to be close to you, and he wants you to desire his presence in return. 

Do you desire to be close to God no matter how uncomfortable that may be? Or have you decided to be comfortable where you are instead?

The God of the universe gave his only son, so that he could die a horrific death, so you could live in heaven eternally. He did this because he wants you. 

He wants your quirky and crazy parts. You don't have to be perfect. He created you... he knows you make mistakes. But regardless of the imperfections. He wants you. 

God wants you. 

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, do you want him as well?

Not in the superficial raise my hands at church, try to be good, say a prayer once in a while kind of way. But in deep, do whatever it takes, heart wrenching, uncomfortable kind of way. 

In a walk 1,000 miles, hold a boom box over your head, take a bullet kind of way.

Because in this kind of love, its all or nothing. 

"We love him because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Wrecking Ball

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

"Their minds are full of darkness; they wandered far from the life God gives because they closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him." Ephesians 4:18

We seem to live in a world where building up walls to protect ourselves is far too common. 

People give away their bodies, but not their hearts. 

They listen to the words, but they don't believe. 

And they leave, before anyone has the chance to walk out on them.

They give up before they fail. 

 We are so afraid of falling to pieces, that we refuse to fall at all. 

Can I let you in on a secret?

You are no as breakable as you think.

You will survive. 

But by building up walls and closing off your heart you will never know how strong you really are.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. And I think its true...

Because even love that isn't returned shows you the capacity to which you are able to give and love and cherish. A broken heart proves just how much you can take.

Don't build up walls. Don't harden your heart. 

Because even if you fail miserably, you tried. 

"We are not nearly as fragile as we think we are, but we will act as we believe ourselves to be. We have the capacity to be astoundingly extraordinary, not just in spite of where we have been, but because of it..."

The failures and heartache and the pain are all part of making you into the person you were created to be. 

Guard your heart, but never build up walls that forbid you to feel. 

Love is a risk. Loving anyone or anything has the potential to leave you broken. 

Love anyway. 

"To fear love is to fear life. And those who fear live are already three parts dead"

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Five to one

No one here gets out alive... 

I had a discussion with a man the other day. He had just found out he has esophageal cancer. He was telling me the doctor came in, prepared to break the bad news to him; that it was cancer, and it was bad. He told me how the doctor was astonished at how well he was taking it. He didn't seem shocked or upset. He seemed as calm as if he were to tell him his health problems were caused by the common cold. The doctor asked him, why he wasn't more grieved over the situation. His response?

"I'm 70 years old, and everyone has to die from something. I guess cancer is the way I'll go"

He then continued to sing to me the lyrics of "Five to one" by the doors.

I thought how amazing it is to be that at peace with what was basically his death sentence. How beautiful it would be to accept death in this way. And then I get on Facebook and see mother's freaking out over breast feeding, and cancer causing lunch meat, and so on and so forth...

Here is my issue, I am most certainly not saying you shouldn't be cautious. But it seems that some people lead such careful lives that they don't really live.

I had friends that were having a heated discussion over products that cause cancer.

Haven't you learned by now? EVERYTHING causes cancer. Cell phones, chocolate, artificial sweeteners, even FACEBOOK has been linked to causing cancer (Google it, I swear its true).

If we stop using everything that has ever been linked to cancer, well, there won't be a whole lot left for us to use.

Don't get me wrong, I don't treat my daughter's health so flippantly. But I am most certainly not going to deprive her a life because of my own fear.

This issue goes so far beyond our health. We are so inhibited by fear and propaganda that we would rather stay holed up in our own little bubbles.

But Jim Morrison had it right.

We aren't going to make out alive anyways. Everyone will die from something at some point (unless you make it to the second coming of Christ).

I know this is a little morbid, but I think to truly make a difference, we need to be at peace with this within ourselves. I think when we truly come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard we work and how healthy we try to be and what we do or don't eat, that we are still going to die, maybe just maybe we might take more risks.

And maybe these risks won't simply be selfish ambitions.

Maybe we will start to take risks that actually matter. Risks that will have an eternal significance to someone.

We are so afraid of the outcome, that we barely live.

Everyone's earthly outcome is the same. But your eternal outcome is formed by the choices you make.

When we are driven by eternity, we everything that keeps moving us forward is not of this world but of the world to come, then and only then will we see change.

No one lives forever... Better make it count.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Closed for Business

Wanna know what I love about my blog? It's that I can write what I think and what I feel and you can agree or disagree, that's fine. But this blog really isn't about you, now is it?

Everywhere I turn today, everyone is talking about the government shutdown. I mean, yeah, its a pretty big deal. And while I don't understand it all, I can see why it causes some worry and well upset.

But while reading through comments, I was actually disturbed by some of the things I was seeing my "friends" say via their social media.

The first thing that I found absolutely unnecessary was their complete disrespect and hatred towards our President. Let me be the first to say, I absolutely do not agree with all of Obama's policies, morals, and agendas. But then again, I didn't exactly see eye to eye with the candidate I voted for either.

The point is, he is our President, and while I am sure I have said this before, I feel the need to say it again. His position requires your respect. It doesn't require you to agree and blindly follow. It's a respect that even allows you to challenge the policies that don't line up with what you believe to be the right way. You can respect someone and not agree with them.

I've seen far too many Christians bashing the president. Turning to their facebook pages to rant about the things in government that need changing, but rarely do I see any of them making a change.

Respect your president. Why? Because I believe it's what Jesus would do.

The second thing I found personally upsetting was the rant I saw about government assistance. Apparently its upsetting to some that the government decided not to let people on food stamps starve while they are temporarily shut down. How dare they?

The common misconception about government assistance is that everyone, or at least the majority, are lazy people who refuse to work and simply mooch off those who do.

I'm not saying the system is perfect, but they are doing the best they can with what they have at the moment, and if you have ideas to better government assistance programs, please write to your local congressman, not your facebook friends.

The reason I find this personally offensive is that I have been on government assistance. I was on Medicaid during my pregnancy, that my personal insurance wouldn't cover. I used WIC to help provide food for my daughter while she was young. And we also had Audobon, to provide assistance with paying the daycare bills.

And you wanna know something? I worked! Beyond a short stint when I was unable to find a job, I maintained employment. But I was struggling, and in an attempt to become more independent and not become a burden to my family, I turned to government assistance for help.

My daughter is 18 months old, and as of this month, we are no longer on any form of government assistance, and I am pretty proud of that.

But to be honest with you, I am really not sure what we would have done without it for a while, short of beg our families for money.

So, why do we always have to believe the worst in people? Why must we believe that everyone on government assistance is trying to take advantage? Why must we think that our President has anything but the country's interest in mind?

You are free to have opinions. But before you go around accusing the ignorant, please look in the mirror and make sure the ignorance isn't your own.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Haters are my Motivators

I am an extremely emotionally unstable individual. 

You wouldn't think that would you? I admit, I put on a good front. I NEVER cry in front of anyone. I keep my mouth shut much more than I want. I bury it all inside until I explode in solitude. I can keep it together, for a while. But it always comes bursting out. 

I admit this because, a lot of the reason that I get upset and emotional is because of the way I have allowed other people to control me. Not that anyone barged in and forced me at gunpoint to do anything. 

But the thing is, I let what others say when I am not around affect how I act. I let what people do to hurt me, deplete my love for people. I allow their words to take place in my heart. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I allow it to make me bitter and cold. 

I don't adjust to things well, I never have. I have a hard time compartmentalizing. When I get hurt, I really just don't know how to let it go. 

I mean its not debilitating. I am still quite functional. But I have let this pain inhibit my life in a way where I was simply getting by, but not really living. 

I am pretty sick and tired of just getting by.

I became someone I never wanted to be, simply as a means of survival. I became defensive and hard hearted to protect myself from further damage. I became suspicious and deceptive to always be one step ahead.  

I allowed you to change me (well not, you, you... the metaphorical you, calm down). 

I allowed you to steal my passion and my hopes and my dreams, all in pursuit of becoming more of what you thought I should be... all because I never felt smart enough, good enough, pretty enough...

But you see... I'm done.

I quit letting you control my thoughts. Because I am not what you say I am. 

I'm finished letting you define my happiness, because my joy isn't dependent upon how you act. 

Because you see I have a terrible habit of putting my heart out there. Of throwing myself full force into something, only to fail/get rejected/find out it's not turning out like I thought it would...

But, the point is not the outcome. The point I suppose, should be my willingness to take a step in any direction. The point should be my reaction to the outcome and how I decide to move forward, rather than the outcome itself. 

Because shutting down simply because I've been rejected has rarely solved anything.

I think the worst decision I ever made was allowing someone else's actions control my emotions, my thoughts, my hope...

So I'm gonna be courageous and passionate and brilliant. I am going to take chances and continue to pour my heart into it. 

And if you try to bring me down, well that's on you. 

I'm going to keep shining and thriving.

Because you don't define me. 

I am so much more than what I have been. Just wait and see. 

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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