Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Haters are my Motivators

I am an extremely emotionally unstable individual. 

You wouldn't think that would you? I admit, I put on a good front. I NEVER cry in front of anyone. I keep my mouth shut much more than I want. I bury it all inside until I explode in solitude. I can keep it together, for a while. But it always comes bursting out. 

I admit this because, a lot of the reason that I get upset and emotional is because of the way I have allowed other people to control me. Not that anyone barged in and forced me at gunpoint to do anything. 

But the thing is, I let what others say when I am not around affect how I act. I let what people do to hurt me, deplete my love for people. I allow their words to take place in my heart. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I allow it to make me bitter and cold. 

I don't adjust to things well, I never have. I have a hard time compartmentalizing. When I get hurt, I really just don't know how to let it go. 

I mean its not debilitating. I am still quite functional. But I have let this pain inhibit my life in a way where I was simply getting by, but not really living. 

I am pretty sick and tired of just getting by.

I became someone I never wanted to be, simply as a means of survival. I became defensive and hard hearted to protect myself from further damage. I became suspicious and deceptive to always be one step ahead.  

I allowed you to change me (well not, you, you... the metaphorical you, calm down). 

I allowed you to steal my passion and my hopes and my dreams, all in pursuit of becoming more of what you thought I should be... all because I never felt smart enough, good enough, pretty enough...

But you see... I'm done.

I quit letting you control my thoughts. Because I am not what you say I am. 

I'm finished letting you define my happiness, because my joy isn't dependent upon how you act. 

Because you see I have a terrible habit of putting my heart out there. Of throwing myself full force into something, only to fail/get rejected/find out it's not turning out like I thought it would...

But, the point is not the outcome. The point I suppose, should be my willingness to take a step in any direction. The point should be my reaction to the outcome and how I decide to move forward, rather than the outcome itself. 

Because shutting down simply because I've been rejected has rarely solved anything.

I think the worst decision I ever made was allowing someone else's actions control my emotions, my thoughts, my hope...

So I'm gonna be courageous and passionate and brilliant. I am going to take chances and continue to pour my heart into it. 

And if you try to bring me down, well that's on you. 

I'm going to keep shining and thriving.

Because you don't define me. 

I am so much more than what I have been. Just wait and see. 

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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