Thursday, January 2, 2014

The end

I write best when I write what I know... when it comes from my heart... and today my heart is heavy. 

It is 2014, and everyone seems to be celebrating the chance for new beginnings, while I am still stuck grieving the end. 

I never in my 26 years of life imagined I would be facing divorce. The word itself makes me cringe. 

I have done everything I could think of to do. I have prayed, begged, pleaded, and bargained with God, and he still seems silent.

I hoped when there was no hope. 

I've gone to counseling, read books. 

I have forgiven, when everyone expected me to hold a grudge.

And it still wasn't enough. 

I'm not saying I have been perfect. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes.

But not matter how much I loved and forgave and wanted to just move forward, things didn't change. 

To be honest, I am devastated. When the person you vowed to love for the rest of your life, decides they don't want you for the rest of theirs, how could you not be?

My heart hurts, like physically hurts. I have cried far more than I care to. 

But this is something I will not do, I will not bash the father of my child. He has made his decisions, and while I don't agree with him, he gave me my favorite person in the whole world. So I refuse to air our dirty laundry, or to tell everyone the details of our breaking point. And I won't stop loving him and praying for him. I know that love will develop and change. But love is a choice, and I choose love over hatred and bitterness any day. 

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in my life. But I do not want your pity. Don't look at me with those eyes like you feel sorry for me. It really isn't helpful, just a reminder that indeed my situation is sad. 

I will continue to be graceful. I will continue to become to the woman that God created me to be. I will continue to hold on to the hope of His plan for my life. 

It is the end, a painful and tragic end. But my story is far from over. 

Maybe there is something that is ending in your life as well. Maybe things aren't working out how you planned. 

Letting go and letting God is so much more difficult than many people make it seem. How do you let go when you've been fighting so hard to hold on?

It isn't a simple one time decision. It is waking up this morning and deciding to let go. It is waking up tomorrow and deciding not to pick it up again. And doing that every single morning until picking it up is no longer habit.

I still hope. I'm still praying for a miracle, even if it's not the miracle I wanted. 

My best advice? Pray about it more than you talk about it. Be graceful, even when that's the last thing you want to be. Hold on to hope, but be ready to let go knowing that God's plans are greater than your own. Make plans, and look forward to things. Forgive. Be a better you. And always choose love, because love covers a multitude of sins. 

It is going to be ok... it is going to be more than ok. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Right now it feels like the whole world might just crumble and fall. 

God knows what he is doing... never forget that. 

The best is yet to come.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. Just so you know. :) You are one of the most inspirational people I know Paige. You change the lives of people who know you. 2014 is going to be YOUR year! xoxo


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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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