Tuesday, September 30, 2014

September 30th

It's September 30th...

I honestly hadn't even realized it until I was on the way to work this morning, and they were talking about it being the last day of September.

Two years ago I promised forever to a man who only wanted me temporarily. And regardless of your opinion on the matter, that kind of sucks.

Don't get me wrong, a lot of positive has come through the divorce. I'm not bound by all the stress and hurt and anger anymore. I don't feel crazy anymore. I'm in a much better place emotionally, spiritually, physically... I get all that.

But today is simply a reminder that the future I as planning two years ago is not longer my future.

And I think its OK for me to grieve for that loss for a day. The loss of my forever, the loss of my best friend, the loss of a hand to hold...

Most of my time, I spend realizing that I am fortunate for a God of second chances. That I've been given the opportunity to create something even better than I was dreaming two years ago.

So yes, today makes me a little sad... My daughter won't have her dad at home every night to tuck her in. I don't have someone to come home to and tell about my bad days or the good ones.  And maybe one day I'll get married again and have someone to share my life with, but my daughter will never have what I had growing up. And that makes me sad.

My life is FAR from over... but I hope and pray for the strength to be the mom Olivia needs me to be. To always put her first, and for her to always know that she is deeply loved by her father and I. That she will never feel alone. That she will always know that she is beautiful. And that our mistakes won't cause her pain, but rather be the building blocks for her to be a more amazing person that we ever dreamed of being.

My life is nothing like I thought it would be two years ago... but I hope that next year I'll be saying the same thing about this year... because my best is yet to come.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Esse quam videri

Be rather than appear to be....

Know what I've been doing lately? 

Absolutely nothing.

Really, I was thinking during church on Sunday about all the things I've accomplished the last few months, and nothing at all comes to mind. 

I take Liv to school, I go to work, I pick Liv up, we go home, eat dinner, take baths, and go to bed. 

Life has been terribly mundane. 

I mean, I have a right to just take it easy for a while... I've quite literally been through Hell this year, with my stroke and divorce... I deserve some time.

Absolutely and completely wrong!

I've been telling myself for the past few months... when I get out of therapy, or when I move back home, or when I can drive... then I'll start making a difference... then I'll start changing the world. But you know what? All those things have come to pass and I'm still stuck in my weekly routine. 

Maybe I'm scared or I've become lazy. Maybe the heartbreak I've experienced affects me more the I let on. Maybe I can't because I don't know how to let go. Maybe I have a million and one ideas, but I doubt that I can actually accomplish some of these goals. 

"Let our faith be more than anthems,Greater than the songs we sing"

Is our faith only anthems? Is our worship simply a song? Are our words of hope simply white noise? Do we live what we preach? Is a few minutes of extra sleep more important than time with God? Is your prime time show more valuable than a lost and dying world? 

If we don't follow our own convictions... If we don't go against our own beliefs... we are hypocrites.

Let's call it what it is. Too many Christians are content with living lukewarm lives. It's time to make a decision... it's time to make a stand. Hot or cold. 

"The world is an evil place; not because of people who are evil, but because of people who don't do anything about it." -Albert Einstein 

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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