Monday, October 27, 2014

Is it enough?

If I lose it all, You're enough...

Honesty time. 

I posted lyrics from this song on twitter about a month ago, well because I like the song, and I'd like to think that this is a thought that I too can express. But the more I think about it, the more I can see that statement is very wrong in my life.

For those of you keeping up at home, I've had a bit of a rough year; divorce, stroke, etc...

In many ways I have lost quite a bit this year, far from everything, but still...

I still had so much, but it seemed that through my losses, Jesus wasn't enough. Hear me out...

It's a beautiful thought, but I am ashamed to say that nothing could be further from the truth when I really look at my life. 

What if I never find a man to share my life and change the world with?

What if my health never gets back to 100%?

What if I end up living in my sister's basement for the rest of my life?

What if I lost Olivia?

All of this makes me sick at my stomach just at the thought of them... but lately I have really had to ask my self... If there came a time when I truly lost it all... when everything that is important to me is taken away, if I never received the desires of my heart, or another blessing... would Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me sins truly be enough? 

I think sometimes Job gets a bad reputation for wanting to die, but honestly if you think about how you would react in your life if you truly lost everything... I can't blame him. 

That doesn't mean I cant hope and pray for the things I love and desire. 

But as completely head over heals as I am for my daughter, I am doing here an extreme disservice as a mother and a Christian example, if I ever let me love for her trump my love for God. 

It's something I am working on... and I promise I haven't got it all figured out. 

I don't want to settle out of fear of being alone, but there have been so many times I have been willing to.

I had to read in front of people yesterday, and I felt like a 1st grader having to really concentrate to make sure I was pronouncing the words correctly.  And there are probably quite a few typos in this, and times I changed the word I was going to use because I just couldn't figure out how to spell it...

It's frustrating... I get very frustrated about all these things...

But God is good, and I know I have so much to be thankful for... I can't focus on what I don't have, or what I may never have.

But that's what I am currently working on, getting to the point in my life where Jesus is truly enough. 

I have to get the point where it isn't just a song I sing or a tweet, but that its truly a way of life. To find my Joy and fulfillment in Jesus, and remember that what he has already done for me, is far more than I deserve. 

So this week, I challenge you to look at your life... Is Jesus really enough? 

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He said, 'My grace is sufficient for you..."

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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