Sunday, November 23, 2014

You're still God

For those of you that haven't been keeping up with my journey over the past 6 months, check this blog out:

Now  that everyone is up to speed, since that time I've had my blood taken a million times (not literally) to test my INR levels because of the blood thinner I am on. I have had two more Cat Scans and an MRI. I had to have another surgery, this time on my left shoulder because it kept coming out of socket, which is a result of the seizures I had when I had my stroke... 

When I had my CT in August, my neural surgeon released me, because the small clot that was still left in my brain looked much better and the blood flow was looking really good compared to where I was at back in May. 

Which brings me to my most recent CT and appointment with my neurologist. 

The clot isn't any better. In fact, the way the contrast looked in my CT, the blood flow might even be worse. 

Chances are, since the clot has been there so long and has had hardened over time, that the clot will never resolve itself even with the blood thinners. That basically it's something I will have to live with, or there will be more brain surgery in my future. 

So now, I am currently waiting for my neurologist and my neural surgeon to meet and decide what that next step is. My neurologist seemed pretty confident that they wouldn't do surgery, but rather that the clot would just be there, unless I started having more symptoms (i.e. another stroke). 

I don't know if I can fully express in writing how broken hearted I was over this news. I prayed, many of you prayed... and while it may seem somewhat ungrateful after all of the miracles I have experienced, I was angry. 

I know I am not the only one who has prayed and believed and then didn't get the answer I wanted. Chances are I could live the rest of my life perfectly fine with no symptoms of the clot that is in my brain. But that doesn't stop me from worrying every time I get even a small headache. Or the fact that the only symptom I can look for is stroke like symptoms. 

I had a day, feeling sorry for myself... again I know, it could be much worse, and there are people who have a lot more problems that I do. I think its OK to hurt for a moment. To be mad and angry temporarily about circumstances that are sometimes beyond your control. Saying someone shouldn't be allowed to feel what they feel simply because someone else in the world might be worse off is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, in the grand scheme of things there are children starving to death, which does come into perspective eventually, but I think its OK to take some time to be upset when your prayers don't get answered to way you had hoped. 

But after that... after I took some time to feel sorry for myself for a minute... I had to make a decision on how I was going to handle this news. 

I could stay upset forever, but really, that's just not me. 

I've been dealt a pretty crappy hand this year... but you know what, God is still God.

In my small group at church we have been watching a video series and recently it was discussing the three men in the fiery furnace. 

Their faith was so strong that they were willing to die for it. They had absolute faith that God could save them, but even if he didn't, He was still God. 

Now this story makes me a little ashamed of how I have been praying for my own medical battles. I was praying for a miracle... but never acknowledged God's faithfulness even if I didn't receive exactly what I wanted.

I wanted the clot to be gone. I wanted to not have to even think about surgery or blood thinners or the possibility of another stroke.  

But it's still there. 

And you know what? He is still God. He has been so ridiculously faithful to me my whole life, this year especially. I could have died... but I am still here. 

Maybe I will impact the world in some drastic way, or maybe I will never know or see exactly how my story has affected others. 

Maybe when I go back for my 1 year CT in May, the clot will miraculously be gone. And maybe it will still be in exactly the same place. 

Know that even through your trials, your heartache, and your failures, God is still God... he has never ever left you. Even if you have turned your back on him, he has never turned his back on you.

Because whether he does, or whether he doesn't... He is still God.

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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