Monday, December 15, 2014

I kissed dating goodbye...



I'm sure many people who open this blog may have heard of a fairly popular book with a similar title written by Joshua Harris. This blog is not about that.

I've actually never read the book.

Let me explain.

It's no secret that it hasn't been my best year. On top of all my medical issues, I also got divorced back in August (no, we didn't get divorced because of my medical issues, we had been separated nearly 7 months when I had my stroke).

What you may not know is that before my stroke, I really wasn't dealing well with the whole thing. I was in a position I never expected to be, and I was making some very unwise decisions.

I've struggled with depression. I felt unworthy and unwanted which led me to finding comfort in the wrong places. Food was one of them. Comfort eating is something I think I've struggled with since college. I also turned to different avenues of getting attention that I desired. I put myself in knowingly stupid and even dangerous situations... why? Because I temporarily felt what I had been craving. I felt wanted...

I've never been the girl who dated around. Yeah, I had boyfriends, but I can count them all on one hand. Actually... I hate dating. I hate the awkwardness of going out with someone you don't know. I think that's why I've mostly only dated guys I've known for a long time. However, the older I get, the less that seems like an option.

So, in the hopes of broadening my horizons, and the possibility of meeting Mr Right... I joined a dating site and an app for meeting people.

And honestly, it was fun! Sometimes just for a good laugh (there are lots of creeps out there), but I also got the opportunity to meet some cool people. During a certain period, I don't think a day went by without me checking my phone to see if someone new had messaged me. Yup, I know, makes me sound extremely desperate and lame, but I think I was.

But I became absolutely obsessed with finding someone new. I wanted desperately to move on. My standards weren't very high. To me, moving on was synonymous with finding a new man.

But why? Can't moving on simply be me not dwelling on the past, striving towards forgiveness, and learning to be happy? I think it can.

So, I deleted my account for the dating site. Not that I think anything is wrong with them, but for me, I simply felt like it was me not trusting God. Instead of believing that God can bring me the right thing at the right time, I decided to take it into my own hands.

So in a way, I kissed dating good bye, but not entirely. I kissed my way of dating good bye. The way in which I was trying to take control of the situation, the way in which I was desperate, the way in which I stopped believing that God can give me exactly what I need.

I'm totally up for meeting new people and hanging out. I am just not going to spend my time consumed by it.

So yeah, if you know someone (or you are someone) that's totally perfect for me, definitely send them my way! But until then, I am more than OK and happy. And let me warn you, I am not the same girl with low standards either... so only amazing guys need apply.

I have a list of things we need in a man, and I say "we" because Olivia is as much a part of this as I am. We need someone who will protect us physically, support us financially, guide us spiritually, and love us unconditionally.

And maybe that guy doesn't exist for us, and I am learning to be OK with that. I have the most amazing daughter, family, church, job, and life... really. I am beyond blessed.

Instead of worrying about what I don't have, I am going to be focusing on making myself the best I can... To be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, leader... and maybe these things will lead me to be a better wife someday and maybe they won't.

God is writing my story. And I don't need to know the ending. I just want to enjoy the days it takes to get me there.




2 comments:

  1. I know a guy! But he's in Texas :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, well I am a pretty big fan of Kentucky and don't plan to relocate anytime soon!

      Delete

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