Monday, January 26, 2015

The screw up

someone who messes up consistently

Recently I spoke with my family about some bad decisions I made a few years ago. I guess I really didn't have to. But I am so close to my family, the thought of being dishonest with them was seriously causing me to lose sleep at night. 

To sum it up, I had to admit after the many mistakes I have made in my life, I feel like I am the screw up of the family. Like I am the one everyone looks at to make mistakes. Now, I know my family doesn't see me this way, and reaffirmed to be this fact during our conversations. But I can't help but feel this way myself. 

My sisters are amazing. They are smart and successful and have great husbands and their own houses (well Kelli almost has her own house, its being built). And here I am; recently divorced living in my older sister basement. 

I don't cry. But this thought makes me cry every single time. I am crying while I am writing this. 

Gosh I have made so many stupid decisions and mistakes in my life. Some that have hurt others and disappointed people and more than I would ever want to admit to in this blog. 

I understand that we are all human and make mistakes. But do you ever just feel like your mess ups are worse or more public or seemingly judged as worse than other things?

It's difficult to find comfort or hope or anything really positive to say when you feel like mistakes should be your middle name. 

But of course, in the the midst of trying not to cry on my new laptop I may have some hope...

"Each time he said, My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness, So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so the power of Christ can work within me" 2 Corinthians 12:9 

In all reality, I may be the weakest link so to speak. 

My only hope is found in the fact that even though I am a screw up, Jesus isn't finished with me yet. 

In fact, I truly believe he wants to work even more miracles in me, so that at the end of the day I can say "Of course that wasn't me, I am just screw up, Christ is the only reason", 

Maybe you feel like a screw up? I think from time to time we all do (maybe not?). 

Remember that in your weakness, Jesus is made strong. We are supposed to strive for perfection, but we miss the mark so often. I feel like that's the moment when Jesus says I have a purpose, greater than you can ever imagine. 

I believe that eventually all my mistakes and screw ups can be used to form a great testimony for the fact that it isn't me, or anything I have done, but rather Christ who lives within me. 

We all make mistakes. But that isn't the end of your story. God has so much more for us. Even the screw ups!

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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