Wednesday, June 3, 2015

To the person I hate

To the person I hate,

You know who you are. You know what you did. You know why I hate you. But there are a few things you may not know...

I get physically sick every time I see you. I get nauseated and I start to have a mini panic attack. 

I feel as if you don't see how wrong you were. Yes, there was an apology, but their seems to be a lack of continual remorse on your part. It happened, we should move on right? But what you fail to see is that I have to live with the consequences of your actions every single day, even if you don't. I am not over it. 

You aren't the first person to hurt me, and I am positive you won't be the last. But it was different with you, because you knew me, you knew my family, and you chose to act in a completely selfish manor with complete disregard as to how your actions would affect anyone but yourself. You got what you wanted, and I was left to try to mend the broken pieces that would never be put back together. 

Some people say that time heals all wounds, but I don't really think that's true. Time has come and gone and it still hurts just like the first day. 

I know and understand that HATE isn't something you should have in your heart as a Christian, but it's honestly not something I know how to control. 

I have sought counseling on this subject. I have prayed. I have read books. I just honestly don't know how to let it go. 

But I need you to know I am trying. 

I need you to know that I want to let it go. 

I want to forgive you.

I don't want to desire to smash your face in when I see you. 

I look forward to the day when I see you and I can offer a smile, instead of trying to avoid eye contact. 

Let's be clear, I do not want to be your friend. I have no desire to have long chats or any discussion at all really. But here is what I do hope for.

I hope that you have learned from you bad decisions, and that you choose to live your life with more careful thought as to how your actions affect those around you. 

I hope that you have made peace with God, because regardless of my pain, his forgiveness is something you need to seek as well. 

And I hope that someday I can look at you doing well in life and not feel anger towards you, but rather to be the one to wish you well in all you do.  

That day is not today, and most likely won't be tomorrow. It's a process that I am continuously working on. 

But I have come to the realization that you and I have something in common. We are both sinners in desperate need of a savior. Jesus died for your sin just as he died for mine. Neither of us deserve forgiveness, but God has extended it to us anyway. 

I still hate you, but I need you to know I am trying, and maybe even by getting my feelings out in this blog, I've been able to dial it down to despise, and maybe then a simple dislike. 

But I am trying, I am really trying. 

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