Thursday, April 14, 2016

Whats next?

I feel like I've been in a rut.

I get into a place of momentum and excitement and accomplishment... and then things start to feel familiar and comfortable.

I feel like as a female comfort is something I crave in many ways.

Sure we all want to lead an exciting life, but there are some things I like just the way they are. Maybe not even current situations, but my ideas of the future. I kind of have this idea of how things should go, and well I'm pretty comfortable with it.

I feel as if I've grown so much over the last couple of years. Things I thought I couldn't live without, suddenly aren't the most important things on my list. I'm OK when my plans don't go as planned (after I have a good pout about it and get over it).

But what then? Things aren't how I thought they would be. So what's next?

I think I got into a place where I unintentionally became the damsel in distress just waiting for something or someone to come along and point me in the right direction. And instead of coming up with a plan B, I guess I've been guilty of doing nothing.

Nothing should be horrible and frightening, but its been oddly comfortable.

Nothing is the worst. It's so much worse than doing something and falling flat on your face in the process. Now that would be uncomfortable. Sometimes that is exactly what happens when we do something. We fail.

Have I been so afraid of being unsuccessful that I have stopped moving forward?

I am crazy proud of myself in many ways for my accomplishments in the past couple of years.

But I've been so indecisive about whats next for me.

I mean there are literally so many directions I could go from here, so many things to become my new focus.

I think I lost myself for a while, as a former wife and mother. My life wasn't really about me at all, and since my divorce I still don't feel as if I've gotten that back. There are things that I love to do that I have't done in literally years. Things change when you become a mom, and I pour my heart into my amazing kid, but I don't believe that being a mom has to come at the cost of being who you are as a person.

Am I rambling? Sorry about that.

I guess when trying to make the decision of what door to open next, I neglected to do one very important thing. Pray. Not saying I haven't prayed, but I don't think I've been praying specifically about the direction my life should take from here. Because there are so many things to think about, being a single mom I have to take that into account sometimes. But prayer is where I need to start my focus. Maybe God won't send a neon flashing sign (but hey you never know he might!). Maybe it will just be a feeling of peace. Maybe doors that are open will close, and maybe doors that I never even thought of will begin to open.
I don't now exactly how this will change things, but I know that I have to. I have to stop making pros and cons instead of seeking God's face.
Maybe you feel stuck too... maybe we can move forward together.
I know right now, my first next steps are bringing my options to God instead of fighting for control. My other next step is going to be doing more things that make me happy in an attempt to find who I am.
I know God has more planned for me than the life I've been living. Change is coming.
Philippians 3:12-14 I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

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What is Paigerific? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have an exact definition to offer. Paigerific is my thoughts and my heart. Paigerific is my passion and my fear. Paigerific is my success and my failures. Paigerific is my blood, sweat, and tears. Paigerific is more than just simply word. It’s a million different words all rolled into one. Words like hope, grace, determination, imperfection, love, faith, insecurity… The one word I would use to describe myself? I am Paigerific.


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